From email Tue, Oct 26, 3:27 AM PT

Hello Gorgeous.

I hope you’re deep asleep and dreaming blissful dreams, unlike me spilling my heart into emails at 3 AM that will never ever be read. I wish your hopes and dreams come true, because you deserve a break and a stress free trip to Hawaii when this stupid pandemic is truly over.

I used to want to know how you’re doing and how your day went, so that I could keep up with your doings. But in this cruel one way mirror, I can only write to tell you about me. Please don’t think I’m shallow and self centered, because I only talk about myself. It’s only because you’re refusing to reply. Or I’m blocked. So my only options are to a.) stop writing or b.) tell you about myself. I’ll stick to B for as long as I can. But eventually, my heart will shatter again and I’ll stop. My broken heart is only being held together by silly duck tape.

I hope you’ve been spared this crazy weather. I always worry for you when I hear about craziness going on in Sacramento. Originally, I was planning on a few days of crazy here, but between the pandemic self quarantine and natural disaster planning, I was already prepped to last several weeks? But then we totally lucked out anyway and it passed us over with just some heavy winds and rains. We dodged the strongest West Coast storm ever, on record. But from the news reports, it seems other parts of the West Coast didn’t fare too well. There’s flooding, landslides, downed trees and power lines, etc. up and down from Southern California to Seattle area. And there’s more fun to come this winter. Like last winter, when we lost power during a deep freeze. The indoor temperature dropped into the 50s, we had to wear snow jackets, and eat into our survival stash. Outside was 20s. No heat at all and only emergency candles and flashlights for lighting, and my emergency battery to power small electronics. Luckily, I’m always prepped for disasters, so it passed without issue. If you know me, you’ll know I’m always prepped. But I’m just saying… there’s more of this climate change nonsense coming.

Today at Daddy Daycare Preschool, we started ABCs and the ABC song. I decided to move forward with ABCs even though we were still struggling with counting backwards 10 to 1, for diversification and to keep things interesting. I’m going to progress counting to 10-20 next week, in tandem when alphabets. I’m using flash cards, puzzles, tracing exercises, and coloring. I’ve also found small treats work well for counting games. I’m trying to implement all the fun stuff that preschool is about, while keeping most of the activities on a Chromebook laptop+tablet convertible to keep it entertaining and engaging. There are some free apps that aren’t too terrible, but there are some paid apps that are worth the few dollars. I’ll tell you what’s terrible, though. ABC Mouse. That crap is garbage. I prepaid for a year and after a few months… I had the worse case of buyer’s remorse. It always freezes on all platforms (Android, iOS, desktop, etc.) and the kiddos can just skip lessons and still get credit. It’s so stupid…Give me my money back! But who am I kidding! I don’t want money. I’d rather have you. 😊 Trade?

I can only assume that when you receive a message from me, that it makes your day. Back when I used to get messages from you, it formed the foundation for my day. Every day. You were my first thing every morning and my last thing every night. My good morning and good night. You’d send me off to bed with the promise that you’d be there tomorrow. I went to bed holding on to this promise and had the sweetest of dreams.

These days, I’m operating on a huge deficit, because there’s no replacement for MYV. Your memories kept me going when I was fighting to stay alive. And now that I’m alive, I’m only l half alive without you. You’re still that spark of fire that keeps me going. I’m not joking. I was mourning you late into the night of Valentine’s Day 2019. The deafening silence. The crushing heart break. The shattered dreams. The weight of it all broke me. I missed you so much. You were my everything. The last thing I remembered was this reading through our old messages (see screenshot), before my brain fried suddenly some time after 2:30 AM. I was rushed to the hospital, naked and alone, through the freezing snow. It was snowing that week. And the rest is a history you haven’t bothered to care to know about… do you want to know?

• 

• 

There’s permanent damage to the cerebellar part of my brain, affecting balance, coordination, etc., and there are some unexpected cognitive deficiencies that cropped, but it was the unseen trauma with my broken heart that hurt the most. I’m still undergoing therapy and seeing a neurologist. This may end eventually if we can’t progress any further? But while there are doctors for the physical side, there are no doctors for a broken heart. 😭

The doctors never did figure out what caused the stroke even with all sorts of invasive diagnostics and two expensive ass MRIs. But between you and I, we already know why. Well, now you, too. I’ve NEVER told anyone the cause of the stroke. You are the first. Because like Calum Scott sang, YOU are the reason. The heartbreak killed me, but my love for you kept me alive, and it was my love for you that helped me learn to walk again. So as you can see, the last few years haven’t been kind to me. But through it all, I still love you wholeheartedly. Even though I sank into the abyss of fuckdom, I made my way back to the surface with you still on my mind. That has to mean something, right?

I wasn’t joking when I mentioned ceiling tiles in a previous message. The same, damned, water stained hospital ceiling tiles every day and night will drive anyone crazy, especially set to the annoying ass tune of IV and heart monitors that alarm with the slightest movement to find a comfortable position. The entire nursing desk runs to see what happened. Sleep deprivation and isolation takes a toll.

On a related note, the entire neurology hospital floor I stayed in for recovery was hit hard with a covid outbreak last year, before vaccines were available. It was depressing already during normal times, but I imagined it would be a nightmare to be isolated in the ICU or neurology floor as a bedridden inpatient during the pandemic, whether for covid or anything else. This is why I’ve been super careful not to get sick or end up in the hospital, and I’m fully vaccinated with boosters. My Trumptard brother’s recent covid ICU stay proves my point. He was alone and isolated the entire time. No one could visit him near a full month while he was hospitalized. On a ventilator, unable to breathe, a direct IV to the heart, and ignorantly unvaccinated, this was the stuff of nightmares. So I’d never wish this on anyone. Isolated and immobilized on a hospital bed, with IVs and all sorts of wires over your body, is a fkkkkng nightmare.

Welps, it’s late and it’s so weird to just rant on and on about myself. You might never read this anyway and I’ll feel so stupid for pouring so much at all hours. These one way convos will eventually drives me crazy. 😭 Especially if no one is reading.

I wish you a beautiful morning and wonderful day when my gorgeous wakes up. Please be a good mommy. I love and miss you so much. Kuv nco nco koj heev li os. Pw zoo nawb!

From email Oct 25, 2021, 2:51 PM

I am so not looking forward to the leaf cleaning.

From email Oct 25, 12:00 AM PT

Hello,

It’s me. I hope you’ve had a productive and relaxing weekend. Tomorrow is Monday and it’s back to school. The massive storm spared us. But it’s not over yet. There’s a week of much needed rain, but with each drop I miss you. Whenever it rains anymore, always I think back to sitting in my car that night so long ago, under a hail of rain, singing “No Air” with you. It was cold, but I felt so at peace. But that’s gone now, so I can’t even listen to it anymore. An earth quake destroyed the data center a couple years ago. Only fragmented memories remain. But the sight, sound, taste, and smell of heavy nighttime rain will always remind me of that night.

I have to entertain that little doubt in my head, because if I didn’t, I’d be a complete fool. There’s a big part of me that presumes
I’ll never get a response from you. For all I know, my messages are blocked or deleted, and so I’ll never know. It breaks what’s left of my heart and will. But I’m still here. On the one hand, I want to respect your privacy and space, so a simple stop would suffice. On the other hand, if I gave up that easily, then I wouldn’t have kept my promise to you to keep fighting. I’m so confused. I’m hurt. I’m broken. But I can’t help thinking I’m just emptying my heart into a void. The silence is deafening. And the tears running down my face right now can’t be expressed into words.

So anyway, tomorrow is a new day. Start off fresh and focus on your daily goals and routine. Be the best mommy you can be. And at the end of the day, just know that I’m still here, missing you, loving you, and wishing you success. I’ll celebrate with you for every accomplishment, and I’ll comfort you for every failure, and when you’re lost, I’ll pull up a map or GPS and guide you home. Or to a hotel. Or Toys R Us. Or whatever.

Whatever my nonsense, the point I’m trying to make is I love you. I believe in you and what you’re capable of. And I know you’re human, so you’ll make mistakes. At last check, I was human, too. But please don’t count me out or doubt me.

Your are the fries to my burger. And you complete me.

From email Oct 24, 2021, 2:10 AM PT

     “Good morning,” he wrote into the email message body, sounding out the words in his mind. “How did you sleep? I dreamt of you again last night.”

      He hadn’t lied. She was his every waking thought, so it wouldn’t be a stretch to think he should dream of her as well. He was actually being conservative while saying he’d dreamt of her, when in fact he hadn’t slept yet that night. He’d been up late most nights, missing her, for as long as he could remember. He could only presume she’d see his message in the morning and wonder why it was sent so late, but also had an annoying doubt it might go into the spam folder and never be seen.

      “In case you didn’t know,” he continued, “I’m crazy about you. You had my heart a long long time ago.”

     With that, he suddenly pictured a silly cartoon cat standing awkwardly drenched in a puddle. It was a flashback to a lifetime ago. Although he wasn’t much of a cat person, he’d always cherished this memory. He hadn’t understood it at the time, but through years of heartache and suffering, he’d learned to understand and treasure every little memory left of her. Loving her so much finally put into perspective what it felt to be smitten like a kitten. His love for her was beyond smiting.

     “I miss you so much. Be a good mommy,” he continued, only noticing that the time was now past 2 AM. “I love you so much!”

     Even though she’d probably heard him say it a billion times before, he always wanted to remind her that he loved her. He wanted to be extra certain she knew. Better to have loved and lost, than to be the stupid silent asshole, he’d always reassured himself. Just in case tomorrow never comes? And even if tomorrow came, it wasn’t enough to simply know. He wanted her to be spoiled and showered with love and affection, and for her days and nights to be filled with gummy bears and butterflies. And Skittles. Reese’s, too. 

From email Oct 23, 5:49 PM PT

Kuv mi nplooj siab es,

Koj nyob li cas lawm os, tu mi neeg zoo? Hnub no, puas muaj yam lom zem rau koj tau ua pab koj dhau sij hawm thiab os? Puas los nag nyob lub nroog Xaskasmevtaum thiab? Es puas tseem nyob Xaskasmevtaum na??? 😬😮 Ua cas tseem siv khiav mus ua paj qaum ntuj nyob qaum tej Kaslisfausnyas lawm thiab? Xav tias twb tau hauj lwm thiab yuav tsev lawm ces yuav ua tiag nyob, es tseem khiav mus nrog cov niag easy-money neeg sib tw ua xas lawm thiab? Koj mas… 🙄 baaad gurlo!

Dag xwb mas 😘 zes koj xwb. Yog tsis hlub, tsis zes. Zes nws ces hyub hyub nws heev li.

Hnub no los los nag thiab tsaus tsaus, ua kuv nco nco koj heev li. Xav kom nyob koj ib sab es thiab tau puag koj tej hnub zoo li no. Kuv nyob deb deb rau Mevxiskaus ces tsuas xa kev hlub thiab npau suav rau kuv mi neeg zoo nrog huab thiab cua ntau ntawv in-ter-net xwb nawb. Yog nco kuv ces nws rov hlub hlub nws tus kheej thiab cov menyuam os, kuv mi neeg zoo, es mu mloog nws thiab Hav zaj nkauj sib nco nawb.

From email Oct 23, 2021, 3:32 AM PT

Like a dying fire, the smoldering ash belied the truth of at heart. Under it all, those heart embers still glowed pure and true, with each pulse a mournful cry out to her. After all this time and each passing breath he’d taken, it was always just to bide the time and hope to someday hear from her again. Not a coerced, misconstrued, or otherwise twisted response in any way, but an open call straight from her heart. He imagined the call of the ocean, where the sea breeze would hit the churning waves to spray a saline mist. There can be no mistaking the taste of sea salt. “Give me a love as deep as the ocean,” he once said, referencing her beautiful brown ocean eyes, knowing full well that the ocean is anything but blue. If anything is true, then the blue ocean may as well be as deep as his love for her.

Maybe he’s a fool to have held out so long, because she might have already moved on and settled her happy fortunes with the generous hand in life that fate had dealt her. Yet he persisted, like a stoic pillar of granite atop the tallest mountain against angry winds, rains, snows, and heartache. He was never a weak sauce, nor a fickle pickle. So he continued to fight to live, because he believed that to truly live, one must feel truly loved. And after having faced death and starring that sadistic asshat in the eyes, he came out physically weakened, but emotionally stronger. All the while lying under the same hospital ceiling tiles night after night, he found his thoughts always drifting back to her. He knew. He’d always known. He had asked her many times before, but she would always return a muted, “Someday.” So he worried that maybe it was she who didn’t know. Deep within his heart, under those depressing ceiling tiles, he reaffirmed to his heart of hearts that she was the only one for him in this life. If there was even a spark of truth in what she’d said she’d told him before, then he owed it to never quit on her even if her words belie the pained look on her face. He truly loved her. So he could feel her pain.