From email Nov 12, 1:11 AM PT

Good night and good morning you. By the time you read this (I do truly hope you read this?), it should be morning. I hope you’ve had a good night. Did you sleep well? I hope so. I always imagine you must be so happy and blissful all these years. That’s good. Things were always looking up for you. At least one of us is happy.

I’m writing you a little after 1 AM and it’s been raining all day and night. When it rains, I miss you so much more. It always brings me back to the night I sang “No Air” with you in my old car during a heavy downpour. The sights and smells… ⛈️ make me blue. 💙😭💔

I hope you don’t mind me writing to share my day? It’s silly to ask, because it’s not like you’re going to answer me anyway. But I’d like to think that if you loved me as much as I love you, that you’d want to know what I’m up to. From my point of view, I yearn to know how you’re doing and what you’re up to. Always. There’s nothing worse than silence when the light goes off and you’re lying in bed thinking of the one you love and miss the most in this life. Nothing eats at you more than this silence.

So I told you about the huge oak tree leaves in a previous message. Remember? I worked hard yesterday afternoon to clear all the leaves and storm drains along the houses on my street, to either side. The heavy leaves from the giant oak had dammed a huge lake along the curb, and multiple storm drains were completely clogged. I’d been waiting for a sunny day, but it just wasn’t happening. So today, in the rain and with you on my mind the entire time, I worked hard to manually clear the nasty mess. The leaves were too soaked and heavy for the leaf blower. I had to rake small rows, then run it over with my mulch lawn mower, then shovel them into the municipal compost cart for the garbage company. Nasty muck, slugs, street scum, motor oil, and filthy IT Pennywise storm drains. I was so tired! But I had my boy to help out. I’m teaching him to be more responsible. I worry he’ll turn out a loser manboy.

In the evening, I still had to setup the new elliptical and test drive it. We got the NordicTrack FS14i for low impact, full body workout with the iFit workout program. This thing is a beast and weighs a ton! 😬 Overall, I got a very good 30 minute workout, but was it worth the $4K package verses a public gym? Hmmmmm… maybe. Working out at home saves me fun covid exposure. The cost of my brother’s covid hospitalization exceeded $300K, so yeah. Definitely worth it from a healthcare expense and safety point of view. And I already know that cheaper ellipticals suck. That’s what sold me on this one. I’ve had bad experiences with cheap equipment before. In fact, I just had buyer’s remorse and gave away a cheap elliptical last week. Let’s see the results first before I make a judgment against this new one.

Tomorrow morning, I’m going in to be seen to figure out why my surgical wound isn’t healing. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious? Fingers crossed. I can do with less stressors. I need more M in my life and less BS.

So tonight, I’m going to close my eyes and hope to dream of you. The only time I can talk with you anymore is in my dreams. It makes me so sad, so I never want to wake up from these dreams.

When you wake in the morning, if you read my message (or if not, then receive my wishes and prayers from my heart), have the most beautiful, happy, blissful day. Be a good mommy. Stay safe. Eat well. Life is precious. Time is precious. But you… are the most precious of all, my love. Kuv hlub koj tshaj muaj lus hais tau. I’ll be here if you ever need me.

From email Nov 11, 1:35 PM PT

Nyob zoo hnub kuv mi nplooj siab. Hnub no los los nag li. Nco nco koj heev. Khuv xim thiab tu siab vim tsis pom koj rov teb kuv li. Nag hmo ua npau suav tias koj ntau ntawv tuaj kuv. Tiam sis sauv los… 😭 hnov crickets xwb.

Thov kom hnub no zoo hnub zoo hmo rau koj nawb, kuv mi nplooj siab hlub.

From email Nov 11, 2:26 AM PT

Good morning, my love. I hope you’ve had a good night’s sleep. I held back my messages today, as always, because I’d already promised I’ll restrain my frequency. Although between you and I, I’ve always wanted to flood you with every single thought, just like how I want to spoil you with love and affection. You used to send me to bed, because I was too much. But you’re all I ever think about, so I’m always wondering what you’re up to, what you’re eating, what you’re feeling, and how you’re doing. Am I too cray cray? Probably, huh?

Well, I still have no idea if/when you’ll ever read my messages, and there’s always the chance you’ll freak out and lash out at me. I hope you don’t? But as for me, I want to hear from you always. When you told me you were clingy and the few times you hounded my phone with missed calls and messages, I actually found that very endearing and adorable. But I do regret not taking full advantage of the opportunity I had when you still loved me. 💔 I can only cherish the memories now, or what’s left of them, in my stupid head. But presuming you love me and miss me anywhere as much as I love and miss you, then you’ll want to hear from me every hour as much as I long to hear from you. Even the slightest thing from you powers me through the day and gives me purpose. You are THAT powerful of an influence over me. And for these years where I’ve had nothing, it’s just the memories of your love that kept me going. I’m so sad… because I have no idea how you’re doing anymore.

What are your special plans today? Mine, no school. So I’m going to try to sleep in…? Unless I decide to wake up early and trade like I used to. But this is my first school holiday (Veteran’s Day), so I wanted to spend time with the kiddos, aside from school. Teacher me and daddy me are two different people. So I have to separate school and home life, as well. School starts at 9 AM and ends at 2:30 PM. Clearly, home schooling isn’t for everyone.

In any case, there’s a good chance I’ll wake up early as always with you on my mind. You’re always on my mind. And after fighting the urge to inundate you with messages, I’ll check the news and markets to see what’s going on. Then finally get up at some point, since there’s no school. I do have to supervise yards work blowing leaves and keeping the gutters clean. We have the massive Pineapple Express rain storm coming through, so some flooding is possible. And every year, the neighbor’s huge oak tree dumps all its leaves on the neighborhood, causing lawn dead spots and street drainage grief.

Are you still actively working? Or taking a pandemic career change? I sometimes wonder if you’re still working at the same place, or if you’ve moved on to somewhere better like I’d always advocated, or if you’re working at all. Regardless, I hope you’re doing well at whatever it is and you’re finding peace and happiness. Maybe better pay? I always worried for you at UFCW Trust, because those clowns treated you so poorly and unprofessionally. Like kdrama in a ghetto baguette.

Earlier, I had YouTube on the TV playing on auto and naturally started singing along to “In Case You Didn’t Know” without realizing it. Boy, did that turn ugly. I’ve never seriously sang that song out load before. But because of you, I know the words subconsciously? So somehow, I must have picked up the song. And that didn’t fly well. I quickly changed the subject. lol

I doubt you’ll ever call me, but if you ever do, please know that I don’t pick up unknown numbers. I get way too many spam calls for warranty BS, political fundraising, and other spam. And also, my phone number is blasted on the internet. But I decided to keep my phone number just in case you ever call me. True story. I’ve had this number for over 20 years, I think? So I’d like to keep it for you, just in case. The last time we talked and I asked if you’d call me, you said maybe. Those were our last words. Sad. 💔😭 So I’ll have to keep to that hope going. If you ever do find the courage to call me, please, please, please leave a voice mail like in that Collin Raye song “Austin” back in the day.

Okay, I need to get some sleep and stop bothering you. Someday, if you ever read these messages, please know I love you so very much, and that I miss you like crazy, and that I’m sorry for bothering you. Please forgive me. I can’t stop loving you.

Time is precious. Life is precious. And you, MV, are the most precious to me.

From email Nov 10, 1:49 PM PT

I know I said I wouldn’t bother you too often, but I just had to share. You’re my SPECIAL ONE. I hope you don’t mind? I was teaching ABCs with animal flash cards when I came across the letter M. I was sounding out M and listing M words. Without thinking, I blurted out M for M******. LMAO! 😂 Don’t think anyone caught it?

I love you so much! 🍔♥️🍟

From email Nov 3, 1:55 AM PT

Happy morning and good 2sdae and Wenzdae.

I didn’t forget about you. You’re always on my mind. I’m just respecting your distance and your extreme, anti-social ghosting of me. I hope your days go well, and that you’re home, happy, and safe. Be a good mommy. I love and miss you more than you’ll ever know. Be good to yourself.

From email Oct 31, 1:17 PM PT

Okay, so Aurora was a no show last night. She was still sleeping like a dodo because Prince Charming was off frolicking with Fiona from Shrek. So you didn’t miss anything. I want refunds for those hours of my life back. 🤬

I hope you’re having a great Sunday! As always, I love and miss you so much! 🍔🚫🎯🍟 You’ll never know, since you don’t care to read my messages. 💔😭

From email Oct 30, 8:22 PM PT

I’m sorry for bothering you. I know how hard it is to get rid of me. But I’ll be short? I hope you’re having a great weekend so far. Tonight, I’m having steamed hams.

5 Guys burgers and fries. Before we go watch the Aurora Borealis. 🍔🎯🚫🍟 Tonight’s geomagnetic storm is coming down almost as far south as California after midnight, and we have clear skies. Driving out of the city to see it near the river. No obstructions or light pollution.

I wish you were with me. These are life moments that I’m so heartbroken and sad that I can’t share with you. 💔😭 And Yellowstone this summer.

I love and miss you so much. Be a good mommy nawb.

From email Fri, Oct 29, 12:39 PM PT

My love. I hope you’re having a good day so far and have eaten lunch. I just woke up from a late morning nap and you’re always on my mind, of course. So first thing is I violate my promise no to write you so much anymore, and I write you. But I’ll keep it short! Promise? Plus who knows if you’re even reading these. 😒

I was up waAaAaAay early, did a trade, made sure the kiddos were up for school and doing their school work instead of surfing YouTube, and then took a nap again. I’m feeling under the weather today. But mostly blue because I miss you.

If you haven’t already, please watch or listen to the video I made you yesterday. I’m going to end it here, because any longer and you probably won’t read anyway. I love you, MYV. And in case I don’t write you again this weekend… that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means for once I stuck to my promise not to bother you. I still love and miss you.

From email Oct 28, 2021, 3:02 AM PT

I said I wouldn’t bother you so… no daily messages unless you confirm you want me to bother you daily.

Nco Koj

From email Wed, Oct 27, 2:20 PM PT

Sorry, love. I just wrapped up school and was thinking about what I wrote last night (waAaAaAay early this morning). In case you do actually read these ranting emails, I wanted to clear a few things up. I probably shouldn’t have been so brash with my last message. Poor word choice. I still love you the same. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking about you. I will never stop cherishing the memories of you. In fact, I have no more photos of you, so my only pictures are mental pictures. Memories. If you recall, I intentionally sabotaged my old account while I was in the hospital to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. I couldn’t get to the account deletion, so I changed the password to something ridiculously stupid and long. Unfortunately, this means I will never be able to ever recover this account again, even though you made me promise to save all our messages for someday when we’re finally together.

It’s just that writing into a blackhole just magnifies the paranoid heartbreak I’ve gone through these last few years and makes me doubt everything. I feel like I’m never good enough to warranty your care or attention. And for all I know, I’m blocked and none of my messages get read. It hurts not knowing. And so when I said I’m cutting my losses, I’m saying I won’t keep pouring my heart into black nothingness. It hurts so much.

So what I really meant to say is I’m dying here inside and I miss you more each day. There’s not a night I haven’t cried. And baby here’s the truth… I’m still very, very much in love with you. But you already knew that? You’ve always known. I never said I didn’t love you anymore. And I never, ever hid the fact that I did love you. I knew I was in love with you within a month of getting to know you better. I still feel the same butterflies, albeit on the floor and spazzing in death flutters from lack of affection and care all these years.

I’ll still bother you from time to time. Just not as often. Partly because I don’t know if I’m wasting my time sending emails into a blackhole. And partly because I don’t want to bother you or get you in trouble. I love you so much, M. I hope someday, he sees what I see in you and can love you the way you need.

So if you’re actually reading this, smile, and know that you are loved and cherished from afar. Be a good mommy. Be safe. Time is precious. Life is precious. And you are the most precious! You’re safe to reply here if you ever change your mind. This is our safe place.