I hope Thanksgiving was good. I’m sure it was. You’re surrounded with love, happiness, and bliss. Who could ask for more?

Are you doing any Khej Dub Friday shopping? Me, blah. No. I’m not in the mood for covid, nor wasting money. This new, no-Greek-letter-yet mutant covid strain from South Africa looks bad. Even the markets are selling down because of it. I did a trade a few minutes ago to take advantage of the vis
volatility, but otherwise I’m just laying in bed listening to Leona Lewis’ cover of “If I Can’t Have You” and just thinking of you. And Ryan Hurd/Maren Morris “Chasing After You” because I’m feeling blue, as always. It’s obvious that you were the only thing that ever made me truly happy.

I might do some online shopping and get a security camera system. I’ve been putting that off too long. Things are getting crazy, so simply arming myself for a massive gang shootout isn’t enough these days. You’ve got methheads, petty thieves, home invasions, and cougars in the backyard. Too many things not to have a security camera system. But I draw the line for indoor cameras. I’m not ready for that for privacy reasons. I can’t rely on police to do shit these days.

Birfmas is coming around, but as usual, I’m just feeling blue. Not in the mood for anything. Don’t want anything, but you. And that reminds me. Silly you! You just had to buy your home on my Birfday. Guess now you have no escape from me even if you cover your ears and scream lalalalala like a crazy person. Every year, my Birfday will also be your home’s as well. So you’re stuck with me. 😜 Your only option is to sell and run.

I’m just teasing. I miss you so much.

Be a good mommy. Life is precious. Time is precious. And you’re the most precious of all in my heart.

From email November 24, 2021 11:22 PM PT

I know I don’t mean anything to you, but I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow and holiday weekend. Stay out of drama. Be a good mommy. Life is precious. Time is precious. And you’re the most precious of all to me. As long as I’m alive, I’ll miss you and think of you.

From email Nov 18, 2021 12:44 PM PT

I’m switching to a blog format. I realize you probably won’t ever care to read my messages, but if you ever have a change of heart, 1.) remember I love you very, very much 2.) remember I miss you very, very much 3.) remember I haven’t given up on you (not even close!) and 4.) you’re always welcomed in my heart, because you are the queen of my heart.

Go here: https://diabeetushealth.wordpress.com/

or try a Google search.

I know you well enough to know that if/when you read something, you go back and re-read it again for sentimental reasons. Or when you miss me. I’m the same. I’ve re-read your messages a billion times, until I locked myself out to protect you while I was hospitalized. So now all I have are memories.

From email Nov 18, 2021 2:05 AM PT

I love and miss you so much! Don’t you ever dare forget that.

From email Nov 16, 2:22 PM PT

I miss you so much, but the silence and ghosting is driving me crazy. I almost got this (attached) for you, but you didn’t answer the last couple days and it’s sold out now. I feel so useless and rejected. I’m going on hiatus for awhile. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you any less. It just means I’m hurting bad and I need to focus on me since you’re happily ignoring me.

From email Nov 15, 1:38 AM PT

Good morning my love. By the time you get this message, it should be Monday morning. I hope you’ve had a good night’s sleep and are ready to tackle the day. I’m tired, but still up thinking about you as always. Listening to music until I pass out. My thoughts always drift back to you, so there’s no sense fighting anymore.

Tomorrow, we’re going to face a major wind storm with wind gusts predicted between 40-50 mph, so that should be interesting. I hope the neighbor’s trash bins don’t fly and spill all over my yard like always. 🙄 And hoping there are no power outages.

I’m graduating my preschooler to numbers 1-20 from 1-10 forwards and backwards, so that’s a nice change. And of course, ABCs, tracing, singing, and memory games. That’s in addition to middle school and high school classwork and homework. I’m a very busy teacher. I’d like to think that going from Ds and Fs in public school to straight As at Daddy Daycare Preschool K-12 is a huge improvement, even if I risk being a tiger dad. No shame in being a tiger dad. I’m a tsov tom anyway.

Is there anything awesome that you’re doing this week? Anything exciting? My plans are lame. Just school, physical therapy, a Zoom call with another doctor, and then otherwise maybe do some trades. And to help pass the time, maybe watch a few movies and manboy some games. Since confuse me. I don’t enjoy playing very much. It’s just to help get my mind off things and get through the day.

I always drift back to you at all times. 🤪 So realizing I’m pretty much abandoned, I fill my time keeping busy. But it isn’t that easy, because I can’t get drunk and can’t use any substances to cheat, so you’re always on my mind even as I watch a movie, play a game, or listen to music. Especially music! It’s not so bad. I cherish my memories of you. But it hurts so much missing you and you’re nowhere to be found.

But enough about me. I mostly want to know you’re doing well in life, the kiddos are growing up well, and that you’ve sorted out issues we’ve talked about previously. Even though I’ll be forever heart broken and sad, I can live knowing you’re genuinely happy and flourishing. While I was near death, you were always on my mind. So coming out of that shit, I recognize that you are a powerful piece of my will to live. And because of that, your safety, wellbeing, and happiness come first. 🤗

It’s getting late here, so I’m going let you go. I’ll to try to listen to music and hope to dream of you. As alway, be a good mommy and be good to yourself. Life is precious. Time is precious. And you are the utmost precious thing to me in this world. I love and miss you so much! 🥰

From email Nov 14, 4:27 AM PT

Hello Love,

Happy Sunday! Have you had a good weekend so far? I hope so. We (on Saturday) did some errands and then watched Shang-Chi, finally. But the plot was so predictable. I made 5 very specific plot predictions and all 5 happened. That pretty much ruined the movie. Although it was fun to see I was right. Disney has become Kdrama. Those writers are just as predictable and cliche. 🙄 I’m still saving Sausage Party and all the Harry Potter movies to watch with you. I’m holding you to that promise.

It’s almost 4 AM on Sunday. I hope you don’t mind me writing you so early in the morning. It’s just that I’m always up thinking about you. When the lights go out, my mind wanders freely and my heart bubbles up thoughts I’ve been suppressing, or I’ve been too busy to deal with all day. It’s not that I’m suppressing thoughts of you. I do admit that I did suppress my thoughts initially after you broke my heart and threw me away, leaving me for dead. But then hurt turned to anger, which turned to resentment, which turned to pity once I realized what you were up against when you threw me out, and then back to love again. I’ve forgiven and moved beyond everything that’s happened, because neither one of us had a full understanding of exactly happened. There were others manipulating and in the way. Even to this day, I’m daily taunted and reminded, in an effort to hurt me and keep me paralyzed and paranoid of you. And secondly, I imagine you must have had some pretty shitty options to choose from. I was disposable, so I got chucked off the boat first. That hurt me very, very much. But I’m past that. These days, I’m patiently waiting for the day you come around and realize I’m not your enemy. And that I still love you very much, if not more now. And that I’ll be understanding of your situation. And that I’ll patiently wait for these things. Even if I wanted to, I can’t hate you. I know now that I truly love you after all the physical and mental suffering. Therefore, I’ve stopped suppressing my thoughts of you. And that’s why I’m up late writing messages to a black hole when my messages will never be read. 🕳️💔 Out of the pot and into the frying pan.

So do you have plans for tomorrow? Anything fun? I’d share every detail of my day with you, but I worry you’ll resent too many messages. Secondly, I have no idea if you’re even reading them. I do wish you could freely share your day with me. The good, the bad, and just your usual silliness. I miss being there for you and our long conversations while you drove home. Or when you were blue with a Corona, or anger cleaning, or being silly after reading or watching something on the internet. Or at night when you were tired and sometimes fell asleep on me. There was never any awkward silence.

But today is a new day. Always keep moving forward, they say. Things will get better, they say. You’ll get over it, they say. They say a lot of things, but they never offer any real solutions or advice with your interests. Everyone always trying to manipulate and control you in order to influence things to their liking. Never for your true happiness. So fuck them!

This holiday season, make a wish for your own happiness. Do something that is in your own interest or benefit. Surround yourself with positivity, love, and people or things that will promote your personal growth. You deserve the best, so don’t settle for gutter shit. At the end of the day, you’re smart, beautiful, and strong. Confidence can be intimidating to those who seek to control you, but will be recognized as a personality strength by those who believe in you. And lastly, spoil yourself with Reese’s.

It’s getting late and at some point I’ll have to sleep. I’m still human and half alive, after all, even if I’m just talking to myself. I’ll be here if you ever change your mind and want to talk. I’ll be your window moonlight, and you can be MV. Be a good mommy and take care of yourself. Life is precious. Time is precious. But you… are my everything. I love and miss you so much! 💗

From email Nov 13, 10:34 AM PT

Good morning!

It’s Saturday. I hope you have a wonderful day today. Did you have any plans? Or just the usual cleaning??? Me, it’s too soggy for the pumpkin patch farm. Guess I’ll put that off again.

I’m probably just going to stay home and try to take care of the rest of the yard and things around the house. Oh, and I’m finally going to watch the new Disney movies. They’re doing a $1.99 special for new and returning Disney+ subscribers. I’ve had a subscription before, but after awhile there’s nothing you want to watch. Not worth it for me, unless you like re-watching Disney princess movies. So I canceled many months ago. I got a bunch of stuff to help the kids during the initial covid lock downs. Now I guess we’ll watch the new Disney movies for movie night. And if I’m not too wobbly, I’m probably going to challenge myself on the elliptical again. The iFit features are nice, but I’m still not entirely sold on the monthly subscriptions.

And I still can’t believe Suni got pepper sprayed.

I wanted to ask if it would be okay for me to get you something for Christmas, since I missed your last three birfdays and Chrismases. Is plural of Christmas spelled Christmases? I dunno…? 🤣 Anyway, I know you’ve taken a vow of silence, so it’s not like I’ll get an answer from you. But I was thinking… maybe you can just do something subtle to let me know? Maybe instead of writing you anymore, I’ll just put up a generic blog like a WordPress page. HoeGram. TrixTok. Or Twatter. Or whatever you choose. It should be public. Then I’ll just post there whenever, instead of writing you anymore. Then you can read whenever you have time, or reread as many times as you want. And as for answering me, you can do the same or similar. But for now, I guess we can use the old fashioned ANSWER for yes and SILENCE for no. You don’t have to say anything. Even a blank reply would work. You won’t break your vow of silence. See? I’m so SMRT.

So would it be okay for me to get you something for Christmas? If I hear crickets, I’m going to spoil you.

Oh my, I can already feel a fist sandwich coming my way. You’re so violent!

Okay, fine. But if you change your mind, please let me know. You’re my special queen bee 👸🐝, so I think you deserve to be spoiled. Can you blame me? I’m cray cray for M. 😜

I don’t want to be cliche, but guess what I want for Christmas? I hate Mariah Carey, but that song “All I Want for Christmas” says it all. Specifically the line “All I want for Christmas is you” in case you missed that for some reason. Mariah Carey popularized it in the 90s so anyone our age would picture her when thinking of that phrase. It’s actually a little before your time, but if you didn’t completely live under a rock, you would have heard it on the radio or at the mall during Christmas.

The mall. lol. That thing is extinct. Like Maroon 5 payphones. Or HoboSauruses.

Anyhoo, I’ll let you go. I still don’t know if you’ll ever read my messages, but if you do, always remember I’m still here missing you. Any future I envision includes you as my queen. So be a good mommy. Be well. Be safe. Because life is precious. Time is precious. But you are the most precious of all to me. Don’t EVER forget that. I love you. 💗

From email Nov 12, 5:52 PM PT

Hello,

The rain has finally stopped, but it’s still wet outside. And I don’t think the overall rain is going away. Lots of localized flooding around. I had to go check on the drains earlier and declog the same drains again. Yucky. But I have a terrible headache. Not sure if it’s me over exerting or just in getting old. Whatever.

How is your night? It’s Friday! You got plans? I always try to do movie night on Fridays. But the kiddos are bigger now and have their own ideas. They can’t always agree on what to watch. Kdrama? Sci Fi? Godzilla? Retro? YouTube poop? And then we just end up not watching anything. But they’ll still happily munch on popcorn.

I’m feeling miserable and should probably take a nap, but I’m half fighting because I want to stay up for family night, and also because I’m foolishly hoping you’ll write me back. I’m not holding my breath, but a guy in love can hope right?

I’m going to go take some ibuprofen and lay down. Listen to some music. I wanted to work out, but my head is going to explode and my legs are weak. I’m stumbling around. Probably not a great idea.

I hope you’re having a GREAT night! Be well. Be safe. Life is precious. Time is precious. And you are everything to me and the most precious of all. Be a good mommy. ♥️

From email Nov 12, 12:12 PM

Nyob zoo tav su kuv mi neeg zoo. 🍔❤️🍟

Koj nyob li cas lawm os? Puas tau no su? Puas ua zoo mommy? Puas hlub nws tu kheej? Nco nco koj es tsuas ntau ntawv tuaj qhia koj tias nco koj xwb os. Tiam sis (tabsis 😛) koj yeej paub zoo tias kuv hlub koj heev li thiab nco koj txhua lub sij hawm. Tam sim no tseem qhia menyuam ab tub kawm ntawv. Kuv tsuas nrog nws siv lub Chromebook computer ua game kawm ntawv xwb os. Wb twb nyeem ntawv, suav lej, cwj xim, thiab hu nkauj ABC tag lawm. Tsuas ua si lawm xwb. Tseem tshuav ob tug hlob yuav ua lej thiab ntawv Askiv.

Puas ta, kuv mus kuaj mob, tus tsiv kho mob hais tias tsis paub yog vim dab tsi 👻 ces tseem yuav tau mus ua MRI lwm hnub. 😱

Txawm li cas los txhob txhawj kuv. Yog koj txais tau kuv tsab ntawv no, nco tsoov tias kuv tseem hlub hlub kuv mi mommy heev li thiab nco nws tas li tiam no. Ua zoo mommy thiab hlub hlub nws tus kheej nawb. Tseem tshuav kuv nyob no tos yog muaj ib hnub koj rov ntsia pom kuv. Yog kuv tsis nyob lawm los puam chawj. Yog thaum kuv tseem muaj txoj sia, ces los cuag kuv yog koj tseem hlub kuv. Kuv mam tsav koj ua kuv tus mi nplooj siab nkauj qhaum ntuj pob noj.

OMFG 👆🏻 so Fobby. 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮☠️