Some days, I find myself mad at you. Other days, I feel pity for you and your situation. I know it can’t be easy to be forced to accept what you aren’t entirely happy with, or to make a risky jump into something else that you might be happy with, but I also know you doubt yourself and doubt if the true happiness you long for might be too good to be true. But at the end of the day, or the day after anyway, I usually find myself simply missing you and punishing myself for ever being mad at you. To be honest, I’m mostly mad at myself and the situation, and for how helpless I am at getting to you and making you happy. Clearly, you weren’t/aren’t happy with me enough to warrant giving up your cushy-comfort life to be with me. For that, I guess it’s my fault for failing to bridge the gap and making the argument when I had the chance. To be fair, I didn’t think it would be forced on me so quickly. I thought we still had time. I thought we would just “bee” until you were ready to decide. And for the record, I had already made my decision and was making arrangements to make it happen, up until you threw me out with the trash. So is it truly my fault that you wouldn’t sacrifice something to get something else (better) in return? After all, you’re a grown woman and you make your own decisions.
If ever I’m mad at you, just remember that I’m mostly mad at the situation, not at you specifically. But it would help things if you didn’t treat me so badly, as well. There are things that could have been said or done better. Not that it matters, if you don’t care anymore. But it matters to me, because you once asked me to save us (every time) if I loved you, which I do. You also once said if you loved me, that you would hold your tongue. But three years ago, you clearly didn’t hold your tongue and you’ve gone anti-social radio silent ghost ever since, other than to scold me a couple times. I guess I must not be that special? It’s hard for me to gauge if you said and did all those things out of your own free will, or if you’re being coerced to say and do these things. You did hint that these things could happen. I’ve always kept that possibility in the back of my mind. But regardless, I will always forgive you, because I love you so much. And I ask the same of you, if you love me as much as you say you do (did).
In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to choose, because I would already be there with you and your home would be our home, and we’d be happily together and would never have to miss a single moment without one another. But in this imperfect word, we start sentences an awful lot with but, and we have to move with the punches, while maintaining our social expectations and sanity. I’m willing to make sacrifices to see us happen. Are you? Because all I have ever wanted was (still is) you. All I need is you. Life is precious. Time is precious. But you are the most precious of all.
Diabeetus & French Fries 