From email Nov 14, 4:27 AM PT
Hello Love,
Happy Sunday! Have you had a good weekend so far? I hope so. We (on Saturday) did some errands and then watched Shang-Chi, finally. But the plot was so predictable. I made 5 very specific plot predictions and all 5 happened. That pretty much ruined the movie. Although it was fun to see I was right. Disney has become Kdrama. Those writers are just as predictable and cliche. 🙄 I’m still saving Sausage Party and all the Harry Potter movies to watch with you. I’m holding you to that promise.
It’s almost 4 AM on Sunday. I hope you don’t mind me writing you so early in the morning. It’s just that I’m always up thinking about you. When the lights go out, my mind wanders freely and my heart bubbles up thoughts I’ve been suppressing, or I’ve been too busy to deal with all day. It’s not that I’m suppressing thoughts of you. I do admit that I did suppress my thoughts initially after you broke my heart and threw me away, leaving me for dead. But then hurt turned to anger, which turned to resentment, which turned to pity once I realized what you were up against when you threw me out, and then back to love again. I’ve forgiven and moved beyond everything that’s happened, because neither one of us had a full understanding of exactly happened. There were others manipulating and in the way. Even to this day, I’m daily taunted and reminded, in an effort to hurt me and keep me paralyzed and paranoid of you. And secondly, I imagine you must have had some pretty shitty options to choose from. I was disposable, so I got chucked off the boat first. That hurt me very, very much. But I’m past that. These days, I’m patiently waiting for the day you come around and realize I’m not your enemy. And that I still love you very much, if not more now. And that I’ll be understanding of your situation. And that I’ll patiently wait for these things. Even if I wanted to, I can’t hate you. I know now that I truly love you after all the physical and mental suffering. Therefore, I’ve stopped suppressing my thoughts of you. And that’s why I’m up late writing messages to a black hole when my messages will never be read. 🕳️💔 Out of the pot and into the frying pan.
So do you have plans for tomorrow? Anything fun? I’d share every detail of my day with you, but I worry you’ll resent too many messages. Secondly, I have no idea if you’re even reading them. I do wish you could freely share your day with me. The good, the bad, and just your usual silliness. I miss being there for you and our long conversations while you drove home. Or when you were blue with a Corona, or anger cleaning, or being silly after reading or watching something on the internet. Or at night when you were tired and sometimes fell asleep on me. There was never any awkward silence.
But today is a new day. Always keep moving forward, they say. Things will get better, they say. You’ll get over it, they say. They say a lot of things, but they never offer any real solutions or advice with your interests. Everyone always trying to manipulate and control you in order to influence things to their liking. Never for your true happiness. So fuck them!
This holiday season, make a wish for your own happiness. Do something that is in your own interest or benefit. Surround yourself with positivity, love, and people or things that will promote your personal growth. You deserve the best, so don’t settle for gutter shit. At the end of the day, you’re smart, beautiful, and strong. Confidence can be intimidating to those who seek to control you, but will be recognized as a personality strength by those who believe in you. And lastly, spoil yourself with Reese’s.
It’s getting late and at some point I’ll have to sleep. I’m still human and half alive, after all, even if I’m just talking to myself. I’ll be here if you ever change your mind and want to talk. I’ll be your window moonlight, and you can be MV. Be a good mommy and take care of yourself. Life is precious. Time is precious. But you… are my everything. I love and miss you so much! 💗
Diabeetus & French Fries 