From email Tue, Oct 26, 3:27 AM PT
Hello Gorgeous.
I hope you’re deep asleep and dreaming blissful dreams, unlike me spilling my heart into emails at 3 AM that will never ever be read. I wish your hopes and dreams come true, because you deserve a break and a stress free trip to Hawaii when this stupid pandemic is truly over.
I used to want to know how you’re doing and how your day went, so that I could keep up with your doings. But in this cruel one way mirror, I can only write to tell you about me. Please don’t think I’m shallow and self centered, because I only talk about myself. It’s only because you’re refusing to reply. Or I’m blocked. So my only options are to a.) stop writing or b.) tell you about myself. I’ll stick to B for as long as I can. But eventually, my heart will shatter again and I’ll stop. My broken heart is only being held together by silly duck tape.
I hope you’ve been spared this crazy weather. I always worry for you when I hear about craziness going on in Sacramento. Originally, I was planning on a few days of crazy here, but between the pandemic self quarantine and natural disaster planning, I was already prepped to last several weeks? But then we totally lucked out anyway and it passed us over with just some heavy winds and rains. We dodged the strongest West Coast storm ever, on record. But from the news reports, it seems other parts of the West Coast didn’t fare too well. There’s flooding, landslides, downed trees and power lines, etc. up and down from Southern California to Seattle area. And there’s more fun to come this winter. Like last winter, when we lost power during a deep freeze. The indoor temperature dropped into the 50s, we had to wear snow jackets, and eat into our survival stash. Outside was 20s. No heat at all and only emergency candles and flashlights for lighting, and my emergency battery to power small electronics. Luckily, I’m always prepped for disasters, so it passed without issue. If you know me, you’ll know I’m always prepped. But I’m just saying… there’s more of this climate change nonsense coming.
Today at Daddy Daycare Preschool, we started ABCs and the ABC song. I decided to move forward with ABCs even though we were still struggling with counting backwards 10 to 1, for diversification and to keep things interesting. I’m going to progress counting to 10-20 next week, in tandem when alphabets. I’m using flash cards, puzzles, tracing exercises, and coloring. I’ve also found small treats work well for counting games. I’m trying to implement all the fun stuff that preschool is about, while keeping most of the activities on a Chromebook laptop+tablet convertible to keep it entertaining and engaging. There are some free apps that aren’t too terrible, but there are some paid apps that are worth the few dollars. I’ll tell you what’s terrible, though. ABC Mouse. That crap is garbage. I prepaid for a year and after a few months… I had the worse case of buyer’s remorse. It always freezes on all platforms (Android, iOS, desktop, etc.) and the kiddos can just skip lessons and still get credit. It’s so stupid…Give me my money back! But who am I kidding! I don’t want money. I’d rather have you. 😊 Trade?
I can only assume that when you receive a message from me, that it makes your day. Back when I used to get messages from you, it formed the foundation for my day. Every day. You were my first thing every morning and my last thing every night. My good morning and good night. You’d send me off to bed with the promise that you’d be there tomorrow. I went to bed holding on to this promise and had the sweetest of dreams.
These days, I’m operating on a huge deficit, because there’s no replacement for MYV. Your memories kept me going when I was fighting to stay alive. And now that I’m alive, I’m only l half alive without you. You’re still that spark of fire that keeps me going. I’m not joking. I was mourning you late into the night of Valentine’s Day 2019. The deafening silence. The crushing heart break. The shattered dreams. The weight of it all broke me. I missed you so much. You were my everything. The last thing I remembered was this reading through our old messages (see screenshot), before my brain fried suddenly some time after 2:30 AM. I was rushed to the hospital, naked and alone, through the freezing snow. It was snowing that week. And the rest is a history you haven’t bothered to care to know about… do you want to know?
There’s permanent damage to the cerebellar part of my brain, affecting balance, coordination, etc., and there are some unexpected cognitive deficiencies that cropped, but it was the unseen trauma with my broken heart that hurt the most. I’m still undergoing therapy and seeing a neurologist. This may end eventually if we can’t progress any further? But while there are doctors for the physical side, there are no doctors for a broken heart. 😭
The doctors never did figure out what caused the stroke even with all sorts of invasive diagnostics and two expensive ass MRIs. But between you and I, we already know why. Well, now you, too. I’ve NEVER told anyone the cause of the stroke. You are the first. Because like Calum Scott sang, YOU are the reason. The heartbreak killed me, but my love for you kept me alive, and it was my love for you that helped me learn to walk again. So as you can see, the last few years haven’t been kind to me. But through it all, I still love you wholeheartedly. Even though I sank into the abyss of fuckdom, I made my way back to the surface with you still on my mind. That has to mean something, right?
I wasn’t joking when I mentioned ceiling tiles in a previous message. The same, damned, water stained hospital ceiling tiles every day and night will drive anyone crazy, especially set to the annoying ass tune of IV and heart monitors that alarm with the slightest movement to find a comfortable position. The entire nursing desk runs to see what happened. Sleep deprivation and isolation takes a toll.
On a related note, the entire neurology hospital floor I stayed in for recovery was hit hard with a covid outbreak last year, before vaccines were available. It was depressing already during normal times, but I imagined it would be a nightmare to be isolated in the ICU or neurology floor as a bedridden inpatient during the pandemic, whether for covid or anything else. This is why I’ve been super careful not to get sick or end up in the hospital, and I’m fully vaccinated with boosters. My Trumptard brother’s recent covid ICU stay proves my point. He was alone and isolated the entire time. No one could visit him near a full month while he was hospitalized. On a ventilator, unable to breathe, a direct IV to the heart, and ignorantly unvaccinated, this was the stuff of nightmares. So I’d never wish this on anyone. Isolated and immobilized on a hospital bed, with IVs and all sorts of wires over your body, is a fkkkkng nightmare.
Welps, it’s late and it’s so weird to just rant on and on about myself. You might never read this anyway and I’ll feel so stupid for pouring so much at all hours. These one way convos will eventually drives me crazy. 😭 Especially if no one is reading.
I wish you a beautiful morning and wonderful day when my gorgeous wakes up. Please be a good mommy. I love and miss you so much. Kuv nco nco koj heev li os. Pw zoo nawb!
Diabeetus & French Fries 