Did you eat yet?

From email Wed, Oct 27, 2:20 PM PT

Sorry, love. I just wrapped up school and was thinking about what I wrote last night (waAaAaAay early this morning). In case you do actually read these ranting emails, I wanted to clear a few things up. I probably shouldn’t have been so brash with my last message. Poor word choice. I still love you the same. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop thinking about you. I will never stop cherishing the memories of you. In fact, I have no more photos of you, so my only pictures are mental pictures. Memories. If you recall, I intentionally sabotaged my old account while I was in the hospital to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. I couldn’t get to the account deletion, so I changed the password to something ridiculously stupid and long. Unfortunately, this means I will never be able to ever recover this account again, even though you made me promise to save all our messages for someday when we’re finally together.

It’s just that writing into a blackhole just magnifies the paranoid heartbreak I’ve gone through these last few years and makes me doubt everything. I feel like I’m never good enough to warranty your care or attention. And for all I know, I’m blocked and none of my messages get read. It hurts not knowing. And so when I said I’m cutting my losses, I’m saying I won’t keep pouring my heart into black nothingness. It hurts so much.

So what I really meant to say is I’m dying here inside and I miss you more each day. There’s not a night I haven’t cried. And baby here’s the truth… I’m still very, very much in love with you. But you already knew that? You’ve always known. I never said I didn’t love you anymore. And I never, ever hid the fact that I did love you. I knew I was in love with you within a month of getting to know you better. I still feel the same butterflies, albeit on the floor and spazzing in death flutters from lack of affection and care all these years.

I’ll still bother you from time to time. Just not as often. Partly because I don’t know if I’m wasting my time sending emails into a blackhole. And partly because I don’t want to bother you or get you in trouble. I love you so much, M. I hope someday, he sees what I see in you and can love you the way you need.

So if you’re actually reading this, smile, and know that you are loved and cherished from afar. Be a good mommy. Be safe. Time is precious. Life is precious. And you are the most precious! You’re safe to reply here if you ever change your mind. This is our safe place.